Understanding Communication Patterns: How CBT and DBT Can Improve Your Relationships and Well-being

We’ve all been there. A conversation starts off fine, but somewhere between “How was your day?” and “I don’t think I can do this anymore,” things go sideways. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or even a colleague, communication can make or break a relationship. So, what’s going wrong? Often, the culprit isn’t the message itself, but the communication patterns we’ve adopted over time. In fact, how we communicate can be so ingrained that we don’t even realize when it’s becoming an obstacle. The good news? Communication patterns can be reshaped, especially with the help of therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are two such approaches that can transform the way we interact, helping us build stronger, healthier relationships.

What Are Communication Patterns?

At its core, communication patterns are the habitual ways in which we express our thoughts, emotions, and needs. These patterns develop over time and are influenced by factors like past experiences, cultural norms, and personality. In some cases, communication patterns can be constructive, leading to clear, open, and respectful interactions. But in other cases, they might be unhealthy, characterized by miscommunication, defensiveness, or avoidance.

Common communication patterns include:

• Passive Communication: Avoiding confrontation and not expressing one’s needs or feelings clearly.
• Aggressive Communication: Expressing thoughts in a forceful, hostile, or disrespectful manner, often causing harm to relationships.
• Passive-Aggressive Communication: Masking anger or resentment through indirect actions rather than direct communication.
• Assertive Communication: Clearly and respectfully expressing one’s thoughts, needs, and feelings.

These communication patterns influence not just how we communicate, but how others perceive us, how we handle conflict, and how we maintain relationships.

How Communication Patterns Impact Mental Health

Negative communication patterns can have a real impact on mental health. For instance, someone who regularly uses passive communication may struggle with feelings of frustration and low self-esteem, while someone who resorts to aggression may experience heightened anxiety or a sense of isolation. In extreme cases, these communication styles can lead to depression, anger, or even trauma.

On the flip side, when communication patterns are healthy—meaning they allow for both open expression and active listening—it can boost our mental health. Healthy communication helps reduce misunderstandings, promote connection, and foster a sense of emotional safety. It encourages respect, mutual understanding, and ultimately, stronger relationships. And let’s be honest: who doesn’t want that?

How CBT Can Help You Understand and Change Communication Patterns

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a therapeutic approach that focuses on the connection between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It works on the premise that our thoughts influence our feelings, which in turn, affect our actions. So, if you’ve been stuck in a negative communication loop, chances are it’s rooted in distorted thought patterns. Here’s where CBT steps in.

1. Identifying Cognitive Distortions in Communication Patterns
   CBT helps people recognize and challenge cognitive distortions—those mental “glasses” through which we view the world. For instance, you might believe that “If I speak my mind, people will think I’m selfish,” which could prevent you from asserting yourself in a conversation. By identifying this distorted thought, CBT helps you reframe it to something healthier, like “Expressing my needs doesn’t make me selfish; it makes me clear and respectful.”
2. Changing Unhealthy Thought Patterns
   Once you’re aware of these thought distortions, the next step is changing them. With the guidance of a therapist, you can replace irrational beliefs with more balanced, objective thoughts. Over time, this leads to healthier communication patterns, where you express your needs without fear of judgment or rejection.
3. Implementing Practical Strategies for Healthy Communication Patterns
   CBT also offers practical tools for improving communication, such as learning to “speak your truth” without being harsh or defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” you might say, “I feel ignored when you don’t respond to my texts, and I’d like to discuss how we can improve that.” It’s direct, non-accusatory, and sets the stage for a constructive conversation.

Using DBT to Improve Communication in High-Stress Situations

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is another therapeutic approach that focuses on managing intense emotions, improving relationships, and fostering mindfulness. DBT is especially helpful when communication is taking place in emotionally charged or high-stress situations.

1. Emotional Regulation and Communication
   At the heart of DBT is emotional regulation—learning how to manage emotions so they don’t control us. Think of it like a thermostat: if you let your emotions run wild, you’re more likely to lash out or shut down in communication. DBT teaches you to dial down those intense emotions so you can engage in conversation from a calm, centered place. This is especially crucial when navigating difficult topics like conflict or criticism.
2. Mindfulness in Communication
   Mindfulness is another key component of DBT. It’s about being present in the moment, fully aware of your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without judgment. When you apply mindfulness to communication, you’re able to truly listen to the other person and respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively. A simple technique like taking a deep breath before speaking can make all the difference.
3. Interpersonal Effectiveness
   DBT also includes “interpersonal effectiveness,” which equips you with the tools to assert yourself in relationships while maintaining respect and compassion for others. This means you can express your needs and boundaries clearly, while also being receptive to the needs of others. It’s the perfect balance between honesty and empathy, without being passive or aggressive.

Instead of launching into a statement like, “You never listen to me!” which can come across as accusatory and might provoke defensiveness, DBT offers a much more effective way to communicate your feelings without escalating the situation. This method is known as DEAR MAN, a technique specifically designed to help people express themselves assertively while also maintaining respect for others.

Here’s a breakdown of how you might use DEAR MAN in this situation:

D – Describe

Start by objectively describing the situation without judgment. This helps to avoid placing blame and keeps the focus on the behavior rather than the person.

For example: “When we’re talking, I notice that there are often distractions, like phones or other things that pull your attention away from me.”

E – Express

Next, express how the situation makes you feel. Be honest and open about your emotions, but do so in a way that isn’t attacking.

For example: “I feel unheard and disconnected when our conversations are interrupted, and it makes me feel like I’m not important.”

A – Assert

Now, assert your needs or request in a clear, direct way. Make sure you’re not apologizing or minimizing your feelings.

For example: “I’d really appreciate it if we could focus on each other’s words during our conversations, without distractions.”

R – Reinforce

Reinforce the positive outcome that could come from your request. This helps to show that your request is not only reasonable but also beneficial for both of you.

For example: “When we’re both present and engaged, I feel more connected to you, and I think it will help us understand each other better.”

M – Mindful

Mindfulness is about staying focused on your goal and not getting sidetracked by emotions or arguments. Stick to the point, and stay calm, even if the other person becomes defensive.

For example: “I’m not saying that you’re not paying attention all the time, but I’d really like us to make an effort to focus when we talk.”

A – Appear Confident

Speak with confidence, even if you’re feeling nervous. Assertiveness is about owning your feelings and needs without hesitation.

For example: “I’m confident that if we both make an effort to focus, it will improve our communication.”

N – Negotiate

Be open to compromise if needed. Communication is a two-way street, so you may need to be flexible in finding a solution.

For example: “I understand that sometimes things come up, but maybe we can set a time for our conversations when we can both give each other our full attention?”

How Effective is DEAR MAN?

DEAR MAN, along with other interpersonal effectiveness techniques from DBT, has proven to be beneficial in addressing various mental health symptoms and conditions. Research on these methods has yielded positive results:

• A study involving teenagers in a 7-week DBT program found that participants experienced reductions in depression and anxiety. Key factors in this improvement were enhanced interpersonal effectiveness and emotion regulation, which played a significant role in lowering anxiety levels.
• In another study, teens participated in a year-long DBT program, where their interpersonal effectiveness and distress tolerance were periodically assessed. The findings indicated notable improvements in both areas.
• A third study involved nurses who attended a 3-hour DBT-based interpersonal effectiveness workshop. The results showed that the nurses improved their interpersonal coping skills, experienced greater professional fulfillment, and reported a decrease in unhelpful coping strategies.

Tips for Integrating CBT and DBT Strategies into Everyday Communication

1. Mindful Listening
   Both CBT and DBT emphasize the importance of listening. When you actively listen, you show empathy and reduce the chances of misunderstandings. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly focus on what the other person is saying.
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
   If you find yourself jumping to conclusions or assuming the worst about someone’s intentions, pause and challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is there another explanation?” This is a fundamental CBT technique that can prevent unnecessary conflict.
3. Validate Emotions
   Validation is a key concept in DBT. It’s about acknowledging someone else’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. For example, if a friend is upset about a small issue, you might say, “I see why that would bother you,” before offering a solution. This helps them feel heard and valued.
4. Practice Assertive Communication
   Learn to express your needs, wants, and boundaries in a calm, clear, and respectful way. It’s all about finding that sweet spot between being too passive (and letting resentment build) and too aggressive (and damaging the relationship).

Why Healthy Communication Patterns Matter

Communication is the bridge between people. Whether it’s with a spouse, friend, or colleague, how we communicate determines how we connect and how we resolve conflict. By understanding your communication patterns and utilizing the strategies of CBT and DBT, you can improve your relationships, boost your mental health, and create a space for more understanding and empathy.

Remember, changing communication patterns takes time, but with the right support, such as therapy at COPE Psychological Center, you can start creating healthier, more productive ways of connecting with the people around you.

Call COPE

Ready to improve your communication patterns? Reach out to COPE Psychological Center today to learn how CBT and DBT can help you communicate more effectively, build stronger relationships, and enhance your emotional well-being. You don’t have to do it alone—help is just a call or click away.