Destructive Communication Patterns: 5 Common Examples and How to Change Them
Communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship, whether personal, professional, or romantic. However, not all communication is effective. Destructive communication patterns can slowly erode trust and connection, leaving people feeling misunderstood, hurt, or frustrated. Below, learn five common examples of destructive communication, explain how they harm relationships, and receive actionable strategies to change these patterns for more positive and productive exchanges.
Destructive Communication Patterns: 5 Common Examples and How to Change Them
- Sarcasm: Cloaking Feelings with Humor
Sarcasm is often used to mask true emotions or to express frustration indirectly. While it might seem like harmless humor, it can quickly become a form of destructive communication patterns that damages relationships. Sarcasm can create confusion and miscommunication because the intended meaning is often hidden behind a veil of mockery or irony.
How It Damages Relationships: When sarcasm is used, the person on the receiving end might feel belittled or disrespected. It also prevents honest, open conversations about the underlying issues causing frustration or hurt. This behavior can quickly escalate into destructive communication patterns that harm the relationship over time.
How to Change It: Instead of using sarcasm, try to express your true feelings directly. For example, instead of saying, “Oh, sure, that’s exactly what I needed,” when you’re feeling overwhelmed, try saying, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some help.” This simple shift creates space for authentic communication and encourages empathy.
- Blaming: Shifting Responsibility Away from Yourself
Blaming is a destructive communication pattern in which one person constantly points fingers at others for their problems or emotional responses. It can sound like, “You always do this, and that’s why I’m upset.” This communication pattern avoids personal responsibility and doesn’t allow for constructive problem-solving.
How It Damages Relationships: Blaming creates a defensive dynamic where the other person feels attacked and responds with their own blame, escalating conflict rather than resolving it. It also prevents self-reflection and accountability, both of which are key to personal and relational growth. Ultimately, this leads to deeper issues that stem from destructive communication patterns, preventing any real resolution.
How to Change It: Practice using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel unheard when my concerns aren’t acknowledged.” This focuses on your own feelings and experiences, fostering a more open and non-confrontational conversation.
- Passive-Aggressiveness: Indirect and Hidden Resentment
Passive-aggressive communication involves expressing anger or resentment in indirect ways, like giving the silent treatment, making sarcastic comments, or pretending everything is fine while actually being upset. This pattern is particularly harmful because it avoids direct confrontation while still creating tension.
How It Damages Relationships: Passive-aggressive behavior fosters confusion and mistrust because it’s unclear whether the person is upset or not. It prevents real conflict resolution, and over time, the resentment can build up, damaging the relationship. When this occurs repeatedly, it fosters destructive communication patterns that create emotional barriers between people.
How to Change It: Practice being direct and assertive with your emotions. If you’re upset about something, share your feelings calmly and respectfully. For example, “I felt frustrated when you didn’t follow through on our plans,” is a much clearer and healthier way to express your emotions than saying nothing at all.
- Defensiveness: Refusing to Hear Others’ Concerns
Defensiveness often happens when someone perceives a threat, whether real or imagined, to their self-image or sense of being right. Instead of listening to feedback or discussing issues openly, a defensive communicator will respond with excuses, denial, or counterattacks.
How It Damages Relationships: Defensiveness prevents productive conversations and creates a wall between both parties. It can escalate conflict because the other person feels like they are not being heard, and both individuals end up stuck in their positions. As a result, the relationship suffers due to the long-term effects of destructive communication patterns.
How to Change It: Acknowledge the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree. Instead of responding with a defense, say something like, “I hear what you’re saying. Let’s talk more about how we can address this.” This shows you’re open to understanding the other person’s feelings and willing to work toward a solution.
- Stonewalling: Shutting Down Communication
Stonewalling is when someone withdraws from the conversation completely, either by refusing to engage or by shutting down emotionally. This can look like avoiding eye contact, giving one-word answers, or completely disengaging from the interaction. While it might seem like a way to avoid conflict, it actually prevents resolution and leaves issues unresolved.
How It Damages Relationships: Stonewalling leaves the other person feeling ignored and invalidated. It shuts down communication entirely, which can escalate misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This cycle can spiral into destructive communication patterns, making it difficult to rebuild trust and understanding.
How to Change It: Instead of shutting down, take a break if needed, but express that you need time to process. For example, “I need a few minutes to calm down so I can respond better” is a way of acknowledging the issue without abandoning the conversation. Once you’re ready, return to the discussion with a clearer mind.
How DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Can Help with Destructive Communication Patterns
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) provides effective tools for improving communication, particularly when dealing with destructive communication patterns. DBT focuses on four key skills:
- Assertiveness: This involves expressing your needs and feelings openly and respectfully without aggression or passivity. Practicing assertiveness can help avoid blame and sarcasm and encourage healthy, direct communication.
- Active Listening: By actively listening to others and validating their feelings, you can avoid defensiveness and stonewalling. This means making sure the other person feels heard and understood before responding.
- Managing Emotions: DBT teaches skills to regulate emotions, which helps prevent sarcasm, blaming, and passive-aggressiveness. By learning to identify and manage your emotions in the moment, you can respond calmly and constructively.
- Problem-Solving: Instead of shifting blame or withdrawing, DBT encourages you to work together with the other person to find solutions to conflicts. This fosters teamwork and collaboration in addressing issues.
Moving Toward Constructive Communication
Changing destructive communication patterns takes time and practice, but it’s essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. By recognizing these common behaviors—like sarcasm, blaming, and stonewalling—and using tools like DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, you can shift toward more positive, open, and productive conversations.
Ready to Improve Your Communication Skills? Let’s Talk!
If you’re tired of feeling stuck in unproductive, destructive communication patterns, COPE Psychological Center is here to help. Our therapists specialize in DBT and can teach you effective communication strategies that will strengthen your relationships and improve your emotional well-being. Don’t wait—take the first step toward healthier communication today!